The deaf have read and the blind heard that young ladies are confessing their adultery to blogshpere. Aside from being a sin, and a shame, cheating is also a crime. You don’t want to be caught. You don’t want your name to join the Register Of The InFamous: Clinton, Sanusi, Woods, Lewinsky, Stewart,Lafave….
So, here is what you should do.
Don’t cheat. You are bigger than that. Come on. Think about it: why should less than a kilo of meat get you make you risk so much? The excitement? You can do better. You have a wide range of options: self-service, licenced and celibate. Choose one and make it work. Tape your eyes shut. Have a cold bath. Go for a walk. Count sheep. Watch a movie. Write comments on my blog.
Hey? Still here? I meant everything I said. It always ‘comes to light’ at the end of the day. Imagine how your partner will feel. And your parents. And your kids. And your colleagues. And that neighbour that never liked you. It isn’t worth the sweat. Don’t burn yourself for a waffle. Don’t trade your birthright for beans.
3. Don’t Reveal Your Identity.
It is true isn’t it? From the days of the woman caught red-handed in the act of adultery. (I wonder where her partner was? Did she cheat alone? Questions that make feminists riot.)
And as a pig that must wallow, a dog that must lap it back up– your mind is made up.
Conceal your identity.
Yes. If you must. Do it with a stranger. Of course you have to know them enough for them to get that close to you. And to make sure they don’t end up murdering you. (RIP Cynthia).
That’s what aliases are for.
If your name is Solomon Fat Oyinbo for instance, you could call yourself Solo. Or Toyin. Or Oyinbo. Or Fat even.
That is shorter than No-MoreProblems and sexier than Blue Ivy. Less Problematic than giving away your real name.
What ever. Just choose something you won’t forget. The more common the better. Keep your bio-data out of it. Stick to the aims of the game. Remember the proverb that says if you must eat a toad, make it a fat one. And keep it anonymous.
4. Don’t Leave A Trail.
Remember you are on a covert mission. Don’t get sloppy. Sometimes the pheromones surge and you find yourself wanting to buy things, take pictures and sleep over. Don’t.
If you must, give, have someone else buy it. Keep no paper trails. Never shop for your partner. Never shop WITH your partner. Ever heard of CCTV? Close circuit Television monitoring?
If you must take pictures, you do the photography. No “pictures for later”. No nudes. Nada.
Never fall asleep. No naps. No post coital snooze. No sleep overs. You will wake up to your photos on Facebook. On Twitter and BBM, they’ll be stale.
5. Don’t Advertise .
Sexual attraction is a stupid thing. It crashes people’s IQs and sucks out their brains. So don’t be surprised when you start feeling a need to flaunt your new catch. Kill it. The need of course. (Hope you didn’t think of killing the catch.) There must be no public displays of affection: no holding hands, no pecks on the forehead, no nuzzling and no sustained eye contact.
You are doing something dangerous and stupid. Try to play the dice.
6. Don’t Be Dumb, Use Condoms.
I shouldn’t even mention this. With the global rates of HIV, Herpes 1, Herpes 2, Hepatitis, Chlamydia, Incurable Gonorreah, Syphillis, Warts, Chancroid, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease etc. You should already know this.
You don’t, so let’s say this slowly.
Don’t add stupidity to iniquity.
Use a condom.
1. Buy it at a store. (Not from an itinerant quack)
2. Make sure it’s not expired.
3. Don’t use oil based lubricants.
4. Pinch the tip before you roll.
5. One per act.
6. Remove immediately.
7. Pray it doesn’t burst.
Do all that all the time.
7. Don’t Do It With Someone That Has Little To Lose.
It’s a tango. Don’t choose a partner that ll land you on the floor. An ideal partner is as motivated to keep it secret as you are. They won’t push for more. They won’t publish your last rendezvous. They are as scared as you are.
Yeah, you must have noticed that the tips are all flawed. Stop. Before you get caught. Or get sick. Or worse.
Questions & Answers.
Is anything hidden under the sun?
How long can you conceal your identity?
Don’t they see you on TV talking about CBN policy?
Isn’t your face on all the billboards?
They did. It is.
How low can you keep it when it takes two to tango?
Not low enough.
What about when the condom bursts? Ouch.
How can you stay clean?
Won’t you call?
Won’t you chat?
You will and they will munch your chat. You will forget to “erase chat” one day. You will fall asleep with the computer on. Your partner will have a guilt crisis and feel the need to squeal.
And Anti-WalteGate Updated will be posted.