Edward Please Call Me


The first time he heard her voice, he was in awe. It was a fount of fresh water, refreshing and teasing him all at once. From then on, it became his daily companion, his addiction, on the long ride from Palmgrove to Ajah each day. Its soft, sure lilt made him smile, made him wince, made him laugh aloud.

Before long he knew her schedule, had the outlay of her programs tattooed on his mind. ‘Dream, Live, Achieve, Praise’ on Mondays, ‘Celebrity Spotlight’ on Tuesday, ‘Know Your Self’ on Wednesday, ‘Be The Change’ on Thursday, ‘Kisses and Knocks’ on Friday, ‘Rock it Hard’ on Saturday, ‘Vessels Of Clay’ on Sunday.

When she was away for three days of casual leave, his world veered off orbit.

When she resumed, it revolved again.

When she got a Youtube Channel. He was one of her first fifty viewers. She was as he had imagined her: brown, beautiful, full figured and feisty.

He took in every inch of her honey brown skin, her earthy smile and the slight squint of her right eye. He would give anything to be closer to her… there were no takers.

That is how he would have remained– a faceless, irrelevant online admirer–if she hadn’t opened a Twitter account.

When she did, the dice rolled in his favour, he had clout there and he made it count.

Using his twelve odd accounts he got her 1000 followers in two weeks, it was easy from there. Soon she was an OverLady, ruling over a virtual kingdom 10,000 followers strong.

She followed him, at his official account, but still, it was hard to make the leap. What was he to say, really? The truth would make him look like a common troll, a lie would toss him into the bin, along with all the celebrity mention seekers…

As he re-read the direct message before sending, he wondered why words were such inadequate things, when they were all you had. With two deep breaths and prayers to Cupid and Fortuna, he pressed ‘Send’.

She never acknowledged the message. After a while he sent her another one, again there was no reply.
Impatience gnawed at his gut, and Rejection nibbled his liver. His carefully planned transition from online admirer to real life lover was turing into a Hungarian horror film.

He disliked the thought of mentioning her, of being so obvious. In the end he had no choice, and even then, it made no difference.

The pin that burst his balloon with a bang was waking up to find that his main account had been suspended. Over 6,000 hours of wit, networking, quotes and favourites, wiped out like they had never existed.

Twitter admin cited user abuse and said he had been reported as spam.
Did he mention a certain account more than five times in two hours?

Liquid rage ran up his throat and erupted in a groan as he flung his phone on the bed. The hardy N900 nokia split into three wholes without a qualm. No! No oo oo ! He screamed as the fury rocked him like gunfire.

In the coming days, nothing soothed the pain: not music, not whiskey, not insanity workouts, not the news that his study leave application had been approved.

He logged out of his other accounts and deleted his Youtube App. With the renewed verve, he focused on reading for his professional exams. He did well in them, his scores soaring above those of his course mates,fuelled by the his rage.

A year later, he got an offer to work as Public Relations and Social Media Consultant in a multinational telecommunications firm. It was another welcome opportunity to bury himself in work. He gave it his all.

One saturday evening, at a dinner, he saw her. She was just the way he remembered from his Nokia N900 screen–a burst of colour, animation and bright smiles. A fresh jolt of pain hit him, but he braved it and smiled back.

“Very nice to meet you,Yemi. ” He managed.

“It is ‘my’ pleasure Mr Edward.” She gushed with a wide smile and a flutter of her borrowed eyelashes.

When she left, an usher slipped him her card.

Edward, please call me. It said.

Committing the number to memory, he squeezed the card into a ball and threw it into the nearest basket. At last the pain began to ebb, in its place there sprung a delicious dash of freshly ground revenge.

As he left the dinner that night, he tuned in to her program again for the first time in years. Things were going to be quite different this time, that, he was sure of.

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28 thoughts on “Edward Please Call Me

  1. Lovely, interestingly beautiful.
    The rejection pushed him to take some more steps up the ladder. A step that turned out to be what he needed to meet her kind.
    I love this story.

  2. “Liquid rage ran up his throat and erupted in a groan.” Never seen or read anger described in such terms, the fluidity and simplicity of the words is getting much more ACHEBESTIC (or ACHEBEIAN). Write On.

  3. Fantastic read, u never drop the bar; always raising it higher. I’m glad I’ve got you to look up to.
    Rejection can be a nice thing as u have shown us here. If u ever get rejected, it should push u to do more. Great job

  4. Beautiful, the way you played around words. Loved your detailed description of his infatuation with her at first. I could literally see the characters come to life like I was watching a movie. Great job as always. You know I’m a confirmed fan. Well done! Please consider a sequel and please consider some of your other babies like ‘Cupid’s Assistant’. Thanks.

  5. ‘His carefully planned transition from online admirer to real life lover was turing into a Hungarian horror film’. – what is it that makes a Hungarian horror flick so terrifying? Just asking.
    I now see why @iudofa was furious…lol!

  6. First comment here, I’ve been sneak-reading *covers face*
    Beeeaaaauuutiful Story! Holding my breath doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt reading. The. Twist of fate, suspense, the vivid pictures you splashed around to create the characters..awesome! You’ve got me bookmarking this and racing ahead to vote for you!

  7. First comment here, I’ve been sneak-reading *covers face*
    Beeeaaaauuutiful Story! I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath! The. Twist of fate, suspense, the vivid pictures you splashed around to create the characters..awesome! You’ve got me bookmark-ing this and racing ahead to vote for you!

  8. Nicely done. in fact, superbly written. You just had a new fan added unto your blog, i’m going to follow right away. the fluidity and relative simplicity of your diction is endearing; i’m in awe. More ink to your pen.

  9. when i need something good to start my day, i come here….this is sweeeeeeet! The play of words, the descriptions…you are a master of the craft

    revenge is a dish best served cold…i’m shivering for the Lady already

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